Tuesday, October 17, 2006

free agency highway (yeah!)

oh boy, a convertible! only in America could this unique model of the highway as an allegory for salvation come about. the freedom of the open road, destination-driven, parking lots without number. and for all of us who have often found ourselves at the arcade, wondering about the infinite concentric circles of being and whether there is ski-ball in heaven. well, now we know. but if you want to make it to the Glory, the Rand McNally roadmap is indispensable. that’s the trouble with interstate freeways anymore: you miss one exit and you’re kinda screwed, at least for a while. “DETOUR, 1,000 years in Hell” etc. this sorta happened to me last year. when hell turned out to be a day in Rock Springs, Wyoming between the taco time parking lot and a haliburton compound; a real bummer.
anyway, you’re welcome to print this out and make whatever you can of it with dice and game-pawns.

it’s from 1950 (c) Leonidas DeVon Mecham, whose address in Salt Lake City actually appears off-screen along with the following disclaimer:
The bibliography to this chart is listed on the reverse side. The basis for the illustration was inspired from a flannel board lecture developed by Elder John A. Freestone of Queen Creek, Arizona entitled “Unto The House of The Lord.”

what are we waiting for? let’s turn the page . . . (beep)

looks like a couple prototypes with some text* to back them up; some of which is canonical and some anecdotal. from that real skin-and-bones chart of chutes and ladders we move on to REALMS OF DIETY/REALMS OF SATAN. you can see why they scrapped that rickety old model for this one in 1927. it’s got meticulously shaded dark matter and an earnestly laid out network of subterranean chambers, canals, locks and dams for the processing of our mortal and spiritual humors. either you rise to the top of the aquifer, or sink deeper into Parisian sewers. like Mario Brothers when he goes from bouncing along the surface and into the underworld warp zone.

as our life on this earth is spent in the open air until we’re dead in the ground, so the diagram inverts mortality. now we’re making progress.


* yes, the print is small but I’ll offer some highlights-
2-TEMPORAL LAWS– Men spend a life searching out NEW laws to obey. Industries and Governments spend untold billions for same purpose.
a-EXAMPLE–through learning laws of electricity and obeying them man has made it a servant…

EXAMPLE: if we were given only one bright new car for life, it is certain we would give it the best of care. The finest oil, the highest grade gasoline, keep it waxed and polished, give it shelter and care, take it over the best highways and the shortest routes possible that it might last us our entire life.
LIKEWISE: With our body (Temple) –It should receive the same care.
1-THE FREEWAY: Entrance through baptism…the filling stations are FREE. Priesthood-Sacrament Meetings, Stake Quarterly and General Conferences, the great Auxiliaries of the Church all feeding us…
3-THE LOW WAY: This is the filthy (cess -pool) way of life and drink is always associated with this way-Sins of scarlet. While many fine and honorable people may drink a little, smoke and have tea and coffee, etc., these indulgences are all tools that help turn their lives over to Satan…

FREEWAY–Show a beautiful young woman, neatly dressed (long sleeves, high neck line, etc.) radiant in health.
BROADWAY – A lady in modern attire (way of the world) low neck line etc., inviting disaster.
LOW WAY–Clothed in suggestive and lewd dress, highly painted (make up) to hide a life of dissipation…

BTW, here are some more recent models.
cosmic, like photos taken from the hubble telescope before they fixed the lens.
complicated
Albanian!
most recent, from “Preach My Gospel” A Guide to Missionary Service, p.54

3 comments:

T.R. said...

If we were only given one car for our whole lives, I think more people would look into bikes and buses.

ZLB said...

Let's make a board game out of it!!! FHE fun for the whole gang! Do not pass premortal, do not collect your divine inheretence, go directly to hell.

Lost Coyote said...

Thank you JESUS!