Wednesday, May 17, 2006

the trouble with real pears

this public service announcement was cut from the side panel of my Western Family brand Crispy Rice cereal box. if you’re not familiar Western Family is the cheap grocery brand that makes everything.

the trouble with real pears

1. ambiguous. the word pear, when spoken, can very easily be confused with any of several other words; words that mean something completely different. for example pair, par, pare, um…paring knife. ask your grocer for “canned pears” and avoid this confusion altogether.

2. real pears have stickers on them that you have to remove. what, you wanna choke on a sticker?

3. funny shape

4. it’s easy to squeeze a real pear too hard when you’re just trying to hold onto it. pear goop all over your hands. what a mess. however, you can squeeze a can as tight as you want. you can really clutch down on it, no problem! but now look at you. and you had planned to go out tonight. guess someone else will be taking your girlfriend to laser Floyd.

5. Western Family doesn’t make real pears. and even if they did, come on. are you really going to put them on quesadillas?

6. when you finish a real pear you have a core, which you know is at best a kind of soggy fibrous rope. but when you’re done with that can of canned pears, and you’ve drunk off all the sweet nectar, you have a steel can! you can do all kinds of stuff with the can. play telephone, catch termites, catch baby anteaters, conduct electricity, put you laser Floyd tickets in it, catch…um, box elder bugs. what do you have against steel cans? what do you have against our steel workers? stubborn pinko! luddite! why do you always have to be like this? and what do you have against baby anteaters?

1 comment:

T.R. said...

more like what do you have against baby anteaters! that was clearly an aardvark.